Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Yesterday, my second at the Lambeth Conference, I felt mostly consumed with my own anxiety and excitement about my impending evening presentation (which went well--phew). I woke up early to work out some of the last details and to rehearse a bit. My hosts, the LGCM, played up the comedy part of my presentation referring to it as a cabaret. I think that serves as a good approach as Lambeth fatigue seems to have set in on many of those gathered here. I can't believe they have been at this for two weeks. I am already exhausted after two days. After my prep time and breakfast, I attended a Bible study organized by Integrity and Changing Attitude. We explored John chapter 9 , an intriguing account outlining the healing of a man born blind. What struck me most was how Jesus only appears at the beginning and end of the long narrative. Much of the action has to do with the man (and his family) dealing with the religious leaders who simply will not listen to this man's story. 24 So for...

Thanks to the expert driving skill of Auntie Doris I arrived safely at Lambeth Conference in Canterbury. Fortunately (or not) I have wi-fi in my dorm room on campus here at the University of Kent so I can blog some. On the way to Canterbury we listened to LBC Radio (a talk radio station for the greater London area) and the show hosted Jeni Barnett . She offer topic after topic in a frenetic random order, but the one issue that caught my ear had to do with English people trying to change their accents to sound more like the Queen. She asked for callers who had also tried to change their accents. I turned to Auntie, "Should I?" and with little more than a nod from her, I called. ( Joe Gee , that fabulous podcaster, will be simultaneously proud of me and appalled by me). I explained that in the US I get much better customer service when I speak with a posh British accent. This accent is a perceived by many in the US to carry class and sophistication (and it may possibly be a ...

On my recent trip to Malta, I met Paolo (not his real name), who when he was 18 (three years ago) stumbled into the ex-gay movement. His story helps illustrate how the US-based ex-gay theories and practices sneak in under the radar in Europe. When I came out to my mum about my sexuality I must admit she was not expecting this, however she was understanding and told me not to rush into things as this might just be one of the phases which adolescences may go through, and if I were gay she would have no problem with it, as nowadays its normal, however in order for me to find out if this were just a phase or not she soon referred me to a psychologist in Malta where I live. Seems reasonable enough except that this particular "therapist" quickly took Paolo on a down path in an attempt to de-gay him. She paused and said, ‘you gay?, not once did it cross my mind that you could be gay, however not to worry’ she added, and she soon reached out for a book which was created by a pastor...

Ah, I had a stellar week in/on Guernsey. I felt kissed by the warm sun everyday (and smacked in the butt by the icy waters). Perfect weather and a true break. I got to meet many family members of Auntie Doris . She originally hails from Guernsey and her extended family have overrun the island. One could not keep a secret in this place with a cousin, aunt or sibling popping up everywhere one goes. I learned so much about the WWII Nazi Occupation of the island. I learned much from our visit to the Occupation Museum , but I found that the letters and artifacts from the occupation that Auntie Doris' grandmother saved made the whole era come alive. So hard to imagine how this quiet tidy island filled up with Nazi troops, with homes and cars commandeered, signs in German everywhere and very little food or other rations. Auntie Doris introduced me to several family members at their homes over meals and at the beach. Each one belongs to one of the island's many churches (52 according t...

From the island paradise of Malta (ah those pea pastries, yummy beaches and beautiful new friends) I have jetted to the another island paradise, Guernsey, one of the Channel Island. I'm with Auntie Doris , who will have photos up today I believe. We stay in her grandmother's home overlooking the English Channel. Most people I've met say it has the best views of any place in the island. I totally agree. Gorgeous. Today we took a ferry to the smaller island of Herm for time on the beach and a swim in the soul-freezing water. Even though it was so cold, I still managed to swim for about 20minutes and get some laps in. I also nearly completed the book, Notes From an Exhibition by Patrick Gale. The writing and the story holds me transfixed, but I also appreciate the inclusion of contempory Quaker characters. Gale even includes descriptions of Meeting for Worship, Quaker weddings, funerals and more. This weeks serves as a proper holiday for me (quite rare actually) but also a t...

Wayne Besen of Truth Wins Out spent last week in Asheville, NC with a group of citizens concerned about Exodus International and the annual convention that pulled into town. Read Wayne's overview of the week and his insightful and appropriately cutting commentary on the events and especially of the words spoken by Exodus leaders and guests. See Exodus: A 'Loving' Call to Battle . Battle indeed. Exodus and the Evangelical Protestant Church (and other churches) insist that gays, lesbians as well as bisexuals and transgender people, go to war against themselves. According to one eye-witness. The closing ceremonies included a clear call to those amassed during the ex-gay jamboree: Life after Exodus means lopping off whole parts of yourself--your wardrobe, relationships with other LGBT people (of course including partners), quitting jobs if need be, making critical and what will no doubt be regrettable decisions all for the sake of following Exodus leaders' and supporters...

My dear friend and host in Malta, Diane took some photos of my visit and my performances that I thought I would share with you. I head out today for the UK where I will be with Auntie Doris for one week in Guernsey then off to Lambeth. Here you see me with Diane Performing in the Re-Education of George W. Bush Lunch at the Open Centre with Mario who is saying some things that literally blows my mind. Kissing Fudge the dog. As Deborah in Transfigurations At the beach with Marjon, Fredrick and the dogs, Fudge and Milly

My trip to Malta quickly comes to a close when I fly back to London on Monday. Last night I performed The Re-Education of George W. Bush--No President Left Behind! to a lively (and sweaty) audience in a super cool performance space called Warehouse No. 8 . It literally had been a warehouse and still retains some of its rustic and industrial charm. It reminds me of some of the loft theater spaces in NYC during the 1980's--the kind of space that inspires progressive theater. Earlier this year I have performed the Bush play in Sweden, England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Each time I wonder, Will it work here? I do not presume that my performances will translate into other cultural and political-social settings. So far the piece has worked out in these non-US venues. Of course all these places have nearly constant exposure to US media, so many of the references and in-jokes do not seem all that foreign. Also the play pokes fun at George Bush in part and the USA and its citizens to a ...

Adrian Lovel-Hall, a citizen of South Africa, spent years attempting to enter the ministry only to find that being gay closed the doors to him. Due to the searching for what I believed God was saying and the rejection of homosexuality in the church, I did not formally “come out”, and eventually ended my ministry career in 1998. I felt rejected again. I felt that no-one in the Church had come to stop me leaving, even though most of them knew I was gay. We never openly discussed me being gay, and it appeared that I had to mould into the Church and become ‘straight’. The months following the end of the 1997 academic year took me down a really hard and painful road. No money, no job, no parents, no partner. I changed churches and eventually found work, changing my career back to banking.18-months later I went into missions so I did not have to come out. But in searching so deeply into myself, I also found that I had a deep respect and compassion for other peoples in the world – especially ...

Recently over at Beyond Ex-Gay Christine and I posted three narratives of ex-gay survivors from around the world. One is from the US, another from South Africa, and the third is someone I met here in Malta. Each person has had different experiences, which reveals some of the diversity of ex-gay experiences. Also each one reacted and responded differently. Each narrative deserves attention from ex-gay leaders and those who promote ex-gay ministries and reparative therapy as well as from those of us concerned about the impact of these initiatives to alter someone's sexuality, especially when it is done in the name of religion. Many of those who partake in these ex-gay efforts suffer silently for years. In the promotional material and the testimonies offered by groups like NARTH, Exodus and others, we only hear part of the story. The reality is that the vast majority of people who attempt to go ex-gay find it is not realistic or necessary. In coming to those conclusions many realize ...

Every week Christine Bakke and I get e-mails and messages from people who visit the Beyond Ex-Gay Website . We answer every one with a personal response. For some people this is their first attempt to reach out to someone since leaving the ex-gay movement or since they began to accept themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or intersex. Recently I received this message that got me thinking and praying and talking to friends before I responded, I am a Christian. I believe homosexuality in a sin. I have read all the pro-gay and anti-gay books i can find, including Boswell's. I have gone to MCC the gay church. Nothing feels right. My mentor keps talking about "the gay Lifestyle". I tell him there is no such thing....just as there is no "straight lifestyle". Two suicide attempts and I chickened out of both. Guilt overwhelms me when I attempt to meet a guy or have sex. Dating women makes me feel like a liar. Damned if I do and damned if i don't. I do n...

I sat for a long interview the other day with Ariadne Massa, a journalist with the Times of Malta. She seemed fascinated with the ex-gay portion of my life and asked many questions about that experience. Of course she on my never dying adoration with the a lovely compliment in the opening paragraph. With his infectious smile, spirited remarks and positive energy, it's hard to imagine how Toscano suppressed his true being for 17 years to fit in society's pigeonhole of 'straight' people. At 43, the long traumatic journey has failed to etch wrinkles in his flawless complexion, which he attributes to daily moisturiser and veganism. See I am a living breathing billboard advertisement to the wonders of being a vegan. Shoot if the environmental impact doesn't move you or the reality that it is a more humane choice, surely I can appeal to your vanity! What I like about sitting for interviews is that it forces me to think about places in my life that I might not normally con...

I arrived in Malta on Thursday night and have been to the sea two times. Since it is only a seven minute walk from where I stay, I will go pretty much everyday. I love to swim and rarely get to do so these days, so it is laps and more laps with respite on the beach for me. I have experienced great hospitality from my Maltese friends, especially Diane and her partner Marion. Today we ate lunch at a stellar Italian restaurant. Paulo, the chef, heard I was vegan and went to town creating me an enormous dish of fresh pasta with plum tomatoes, olives and garlic. Yum. Forget the churches and palaces, when I travel, I like to eat. Malta remains a conservative country with over 90% of the population Roman Catholic. It is one of two countries in the world where divorce is not legally available. The Sunday Times, a right wing paper, has only just recently published articles about gay Catholics like James Alison, who was here not too long ago. I sat with a reporter for the paper yesterday, and sh...

I take off today on a whirlwind island hopping adventure. I first travel to the island nation of Malta (south of Italy) where I will be for 10 days as the guest of Drachma , a Catholic group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. In Malta I will meet with the members of Drachma, lead a Bibliodrama or two, and perform two plays: The Re-Education of George W. Bush and Transifgurations—Transgressing Gender in the Bible . From there I pick up Auntie Doris and we head off to the island of Guernsey for nearly a week. She raves about this channel island where she grew up, so since I had the time I thought it would be a nice excursion. And I can also keep Auntie Doris out of trouble :-p I haven't talked to her about this yet, but it would be cool to meet up with some of the Evangelical leaders there to talk about LGBT concerns and pastoral care. Rested up from my trip to Guernsey, I head to Kent, England for the Lambeth Conference where I will offer a talk as part of the ...

Emily K at Ex-Gay Watch posted a piece about Vince Cervantes , an ex-gay survivor and fellow theatrical performance artist. When Vince Cervantes began to notice his strong attractions to other men in his first year of college, he immediately panicked. At that time he was a student at Azusa Pacific University, a Christian school that taught that homosexuality was immoral. The only thing that made sense to Vince was to enter into ex-gay therapy, and he did so, with an Exodus-trained counselor at an Assemblies of God church. Otherwise, he feared, he would be kicked out of school, disowned by his parents, and worst of all, end up in Hell. His therapist told him to give up activities he loved, like musical performance. He complied, believing this would help him go straight. After going so far as to consent to exorcism, Vince realized nothing was making a difference — he wasn’t going to change. At first depressed over this, Vince came to an “epiphany” that caused him to look at homosexualit...

Denver residents Christine Bakke ( Beyond Ex-Gay and ex-gay survivor) and Daniel Gonzales ( Box Turtle Bulletin and former patient of Josepsh Nicolosi) have announced that they are working with a group of local and national organizations to plan a response to the November convention of NARTH (National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality). NARTH will hold their conference in Denver November 7-9, 2008. They have already partnered with Truth Wins Out , Beyond Ex-Gay, Soulforce and PFLAG. In the following video Daniel Gonzales (sporting a new spiky hair style) speaks about some of the events and calls on people to visit the website to share their interest/commitment to get involved. You can go to the Denver Event page here . Later this month Exodus International will have their own convention in Asheville, NC. A group called Equality Asheville has pulled together a series of events and a coalition of organizations to response to the misinformation that Exodus...

I blogged last week about how deeply moved I felt when I heard the recording of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s 1958 address to the FGC gathering of Quakers. Today over lunch with Lynn , a Friend from Hartford Meeting, I shared my notes from the talk and felt inspired even more. Something else stirred; the reminder that King had as a mentor in his life a man named Bayard Rustin. In fact, Rustin wrote many of King's speeches in the late 1950's. I spent the afternoon in the garden re-reading two books I have about Rustin. Bayard Rustin is one of the most important figures of the 20th century. A Quaker, an African-American and openly gay, he served as an architect and inspiration for the direction of the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's. In fact, he was already writing about racial equality and non-violence as early as 1942 in his article The Negro and Non-Violence . He stated, Nonviolence as a method has within it the demand for terrible sacrifice and long suffering, b...

I met for dinner with a group of Quaker bloggers. If I were not typing this on my phone instead of a proper computer, I would provide links. During the meal I suggested to Liz Op that we should try holding a meeting for worship with attention to blogging. We can gather with laptops & wifi. We settle into silence and worship. Out of that silence we blog the messages that emerge (if any). The Friends around the the table thought I was joking. Me joke? Maybe it is a silly idea, but I am all about creative ways of worship. Even so, I do like the traditional practice of an hour of silence with people rising to give messages. One thing that makes Quakers (at least in the traditonal sense) so radical has been that we don't have clergy. Anyone can minister in a way that doesn't happen in most other Christian traditions. Even progressive LGBT-affirming churches only allow a select group of people to give a message, other than a joy or concern during a time set aside for that kind of...